Small Town (The Rewrite) — Friday Fictioneers July 20

Title: Small Town
Source:  Friday Fictioneers sponsored by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields-Addicted to Purple
Word count: 100 words

PHOTO PROMPT © Dale Rogerson

This is a story I posted a few days ago for Friday Fictioneers. One of the comments suggested it might have more impact if written in the present simple.  So here is both the original and the rewrite. Let me know which version you like better.

The Original Story
Moist sheets clung to my body. The sun beat on me trying to turn my bruises lobster red. The oscillating fan set on high evaporated the perspiration and raised goosebumps as the artificial breeze swept across my body. I closed my eyes, tired of the heat, tired of this small town and the smaller minds that lived here. Small townspeople talked about everyone’s business and buried their secrets deep. I hid my secret well, so they would never guess why I left. I pulled the drapes across the window. Neither the sun nor that man would beat on me again.

The Rewritten Story
Moist sheets cling to my body. The sun beats on me trying to turn my bruises lobster red. The oscillating fan set on high evaporates the perspiration and raises goosebumps as the artificial breeze sweeps across my body. I close my eyes, tired of the heat, tired of this small town and the smaller minds that live here. Small townspeople talk about everyone’s business and bury their secrets deep. I hide my secret well, so they will never guess why I left. I pull the drapes across the window. Neither the sun nor that man will beat on me again.

__________________________________________

Keep on writing.

Jo Hawk The Writer

2 thoughts on “Small Town (The Rewrite) — Friday Fictioneers July 20

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